My girlfriend's sister-in-law's father. The only hours of the year I ever see or am forced to listen to this insufferable blowhard are around the Thanksgiving table and long into the night afterwards. No one I've ever met (even my boorish father) loves the sound of their own voice more than this guy. Every detail of his life — and I'm talking fishing stories to truck purchases to MAGA mythology — is fodder for endless pontification.

And, to make matters even more unbearable, he's always had a crush on my girlfriend... so, he acts as if I don't exist, probably because he can't bear to think that she'd picked queer, lil ol me instead of macho, pot-bellied him. If he weren't grandfather to two of the teens at the table, I'd surely have told him to shut the fuck up by now.