10 Years Ago, I Came Out to my Wife… 20 years too late

I fully expected to feel liberated, exhilarated, unburdened by the weight of dishonesty and self-imposed shame. Years of compartmentalizing, sneaking around in the shadows had me spiraling into spates of depression and despair. I’d been living in denial… not about my sexual orientation. My bisexuality was never in question. I simply refused to acknowledge that countless impulsive trysts with anonymous men actually made me unfaithful to my wife. After all, I’d never cheated with another woman. So, somehow, I managed to convince myself that my secret, extra-marital, same-sex dalliances were healthy for my marriage, that frequent furtive encounters with random guys enabled me to be a better, more dedicated husband and father.

But, over time, the building pressure of maintaining a double life became too much. Something had to give. My therapist seemed like the most obvious, readily available safety valve. Her professional opinion, however, was not at all what I wanted to hear: “Yes,” she informed me, “you are being unfaithful.” She deftly followed that jab with a knockout punch: “And, you have to tell your wife.” Blood rushed to my cheeks and my heartbeat accelerated with sudden dread. Still, I knew she was right. Our next several sessions were primarily about choosing and rehearsing the exact words I would use to come out to my wife.

I chose a highway rest stop in Southern Illinois to make my confession. A few hours earlier, moving our only child into her first college dorm room had left us…